The Most Amazing Story Ever Written

The tremendous explosion of the theatre sent concrete, metal and other pieces of construction material flying through the air for long distances. Unfortunately for Bork, Jason and the rest, a large portion of the wall hit them before they could get far enough away. When the emergency crews finally removed the piece of wall they were quite shocked at what they found. It seems that Bork's strip of back hair had absorbed most of the blow from the falling wall and therefore everyone was still alive but barely.

When Kate was finally able to get to the hospital, she was forcibly stopped from seeing her family by two Men In Black.

Ooooppps! Sorry, wrong story now on to the right one:

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Kate was on her way home from shopping for Bork and kept looking in the rear view mirror to see how much hair she had left after trying to find clothes for Bork that didn't clash with his purple hair. When she finally had decided that her hair was all there, she started changing the FM Station that Jason had selected. Kate wasn't sure what kind of music the station played or even if it was music!

Kate had decided to go with shirts of different shades of burgundy, and jeans and slacks in dark blues to try and detract from Bork's hair. But then she got an ACFan idea and decided to get some shirts and a hoodie in different shades of yellow to accentuate his purple of his hair.

Kate sighed with glee when she finally found a station that was playing Perry Como singing "Something for the Boy's" when she heard the following the News Bulletin:

"We interrupt our august crooner for the following important announcement! The Erehwon Cinema Two has been leveled by an explosion. Emergency Vehicles should already be en route, more on this late breaking story later. Now back to Perry..." Muttering heard in background as Mic was left open, "That should satisfy our FCC News Requirement for the month..... Darryl, your mic's open... Oohhhhhh Shiiiiiiiiii!"

"When are we going to get a real radio station in this one horse town?" Kate screamed at the radio in frustration. Getting no answer, of course, she then whipped out the highly illegal no hands free, or at least at a deep discount, Cell Phone.

"What the !@#$%^& #$%& do you mean there is no signal available; I am still in town?"

By now Kate is getting extremely concerned 'cause her family was supposedly at the theatre. Throwing caution to the wind, Kate pulled Jason's car into a sharp U-Turn that would have amazed anyone who had seen it and certainly Jason as he thought his car was at home with him. Kate being the dutiful mother she was, kept trying to redial every five seconds and getting more concerned as she could now see the huge spiraling plume of black and gray smoke rising from the location of the Cinema. 'Everyone in town wanted to know why the theatre was called "Two" when it was the only one in town and it barely had one screen!' That was the crazy thought going through her brain while she was trying to find out what happened to her family.

Finally pulling into the driveway, Kate didn't know whether to scream or let out a sigh of relief. She now knew why her Cell Phone wouldn't work as the Cell Tower was lying crumbled in several pieces in the street directly in front of the Cinema. Contrary to the News Bulletin from KNAN [Kansas Never Any News] there were no emergency vehicles on the scene nor were there any siren's to be heard. When she thought about that the answer was obvious the Police Radio Antennas and other Communication Antenna Arrays and Dishes were on the fallen Cell Tower. [Fawlty Towers?] The only reason KNAN was still on the air was that the owners of the station refused to pay the town $5,000 a month to broadcast from the town tower.

While Kate was in the Cinema's Driveway trying to decide what to do David and the boys had reached the Cinema in Bowden and boy were they ever disappointed as there were no films they wanted to see. David tried to get Kate on his Cellphone again, and got a very strange message; 'There is no such subscriber number as you have dialed; please check your number and try again'. David muttered a few blue words under his breath which brought simultaneous cries of "Dad! We are going to tell Mom!" and then laughter. David tried again; this time his phone asked him some very weird questions; 'Are you sure you want to call this number? If you have initiated this call, then please click "ok"' and then this one, which caused him to scream and nearly shatter the windows in the car. 'You must have "Administrator Privileges" to perform that action!' [MM and JS that line is for you] David turned the phone off, and forcefully threw it into the glove compartment. [Which of course had never seen a pair of gloves.]{With all the other stuff in there, there isn't room in the tiny little compartment for a pair of gloves, either.}

"Okay boys, we are going to turn around and go by the house on the way to Drib City to get some Ultra Strength Hair Removal Stuff for Bork's back; this stuff is like Nair® on steroids. It would make Tim the Tool-less Man envious. {That's Tym! Oh, wrong story, sorry.} It will supposedly take the hair off of a Polar Bear." {Who tried that? That's insane. Now I have a picture of a naked Polar Bear in my head. That poor cute bare bear. It's not pretty!} David pulled out of the parking lot and headed towards home. They were about halfway home when they thought they saw Jason's car go speeding by them, at what seemed like warped speed, headed in the opposite direction. David then spun his car in a tight U-turn that would have made 'Smokey and the Bandit'© proud. While David was giving the boys an adrenaline boost, Kate had suddenly realized that she had 'Just sped past her family and so she again put Jason's car up on two wheels (no not the front ones) while she performed her own yoo-ee and streaked back the way she came. Of course neither she nor David thought about pulling off the highway and parking so of course they passed each other like 'Two Ships Passing in the Night'.

This time though, Kate and David reacted nearly simultaneously and both of them pulled a yoo-ee at the same time and the view from the 'Goodyear Blimp™ Omnipresent' hovering above, looked like a dog chasing its tail. Eventually, they both applied their brakes at the exact same time and they ended up crossways, blocking the entire highway, from both directions. The boys in the backseat were laughing so hard that they nearly wet their britches. David and Kate had rolled down their windows and had started to talk, but were interrupted by Josh.

"Uhhhh, Dad? Can we possibly get out of the middle of the highway, otherwise that Semi that is headed right at us is going to squash us flatter than a pancake?"

David looked out the passenger window and saw a Triple Load 'Dark Star' Semi, about a mile away coming straight at them lickety split.

"Oh Sh.............." David started to say, before the censor could stop him, then he turned to his wife and said, "Kate, Dear, let's meet over at the 'Kum and Go®' down the road, before we become a menu item at the 'Road Kill Café'." Kate nodded and they headed off to the 'Kum and Go®'.

Bork spoke up finally and said "Ahh Mr. Geddings why are you being so nice to me? I am not even human?"

"Well Bork, it is like this, Josh likes you and adopted you as his brother, so I guess we are stuck with each other." David was interrupted by cries of "Daaaaaaaaaaaaaad and Unclllllllllllllllllleeeeeeeeeee."

"Okay, that was only part of the truth; the truth is, Bork, you are a kid who needs lots of love and care and that is what parent's do. At least, that is what good parents do. Plus you seem like a good kid and I think Robbie is sweet on you." David had to duck from all of the trash that was in the back, headed his way propelled by all three teenagers.

David quickly sat back up and then smiled at the three teenagers in the rear view mirror and was also glad to see that Kate was right behind them. David saw that they were almost to the 'Kum and Go®'.

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Meanwhile, Deputy Barney Piper and Deputy Dawggonnit©, from the Phoenixian County Sheriff's Department were checking out a report of a man who was hanging from a tree. When they arrived, they did, in fact, find a rather rotund man who was swinging back and forth, by his boot lace. The two deputies slowly got out of their car and stood there hypnotized at the sight of the huge bear of a man's pendulum like motion. Finally, they were roused out of their trance when Craig's head hit the rock again with a hollow thud and then, out came two of the man's teeth. The air turned quite blue with the profanity issuing forth from the portly redneck. Deputy Barney turned and said;

"Dog gone it, Dawggonnit, I can't get him down."

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Back at the 'Kum and Go®', the family had all gotten out their cars and the boy's were asking Kate where Jason was.

"Ahh, Aunt Kate does Jason know his car can drive on two wheels?" Robbie asked and then ducked behind Josh while Bork stood there confused.

"Is it wrong to drive on only two wheels Mrs. Geddings? It looked aerodynamically efficient to me. You would be able to fit in narrow spaces that way, I do believe."

Josh and Robbie looked at each other and then at the shocked adults and attempted to give Bork a High Five, but missed, as Bork ducked.

"Oops, we forgot to teach him that," Josh said, while trying not to laugh at Bork.

Bork looked up and saw Josh and Robbie reaching down to help him up. Bork was a little reluctant to let them touch him, because he thought they had tried to hit him.

"We are really sorry, Bork, we weren't going to hit you, we were just celebrating the fact that you had both the adults speechless that is a highly prized trait here on Earth. What we were trying to do is called a 'High Five'." Josh told Bork and then turned to Robbie and said;

"Let's show him, Cuz?"

"Just watch, Bork, and then we can do it together." Robbie said, and then he and Josh demonstrated.

When Bork saw that nobody got hurt, he stood all the way up and moved over to join the boys.

"On three, then."

"One, Two, Three." The three boys then raised their arms and then crashed their palms together. Kate and David broke out laughing as both Josh and Robbie went flying though the air and landed on their rears; with a stunned look on both of their faces.

David went over and helped Josh up while Kate helped Robbie. The two adults found it difficult to get the two teenagers to their feet 'cause everyone was laughing too hard. Once Josh and Robbie were finally on their feet they ran over to Bork and started hugging him to death.

"Wow you sure are strong, Bork, you knocked both of us on our keisters and you didn't even move an inch." Josh told Bork, while patting him on the shoulder, being very careful to stay away from Bork's mane.

David turned to his wife and whispered; "Samson and Delilah?"

"Is everyone on your planet that strong, Bork?" Robbie asked Bork.

"No, on my planet, I am considered a wimp." Bork hung his head down after replying.

Josh and Robbie were firing questions at Bork about his planet, one right after the other; Bork was having trouble answering them and was finally rescued by Kate.

"Guys, David said you were headed to Drib City to pick up some stuff, I think we should head over there and get the things you need, and grab a bite to eat."

Josh's stomach chose that very moment in time to begin gurgling and growling.

"Well, it looks like Josh has spoken," quipped David.

Bork just looked surprised while Robbie replied;

"Busted!"

"Okay gang, let's go; we need to hurry before the monster in Josh's stomach devours him or worse, gets out." Kate then grabbed Robbie and Bork and headed towards Jason's car, before Robbie even had a chance to respond.

As Robbie started to chase after the three, David grabbed him and dragged him off to the car. "You can get even later, we will pick them up at home on the way to Drib City. In fact, you can choose the restaurant; is that a deal?"

Robbie's reply was to run towards the car, now dragging David; "C'mon old man, times a wasting."

David just shook his head and picked up the pace in self defense to keep his arm from being yanked out of the socket. Twenty Five minutes later, they arrived at the Drib City Inlet Mall without any further problems. David and Kate were laughing inside, as they did every time they came to this particular mall. It seems that the Mall's developer had a very warped sense of humour, that probably came from listening to too many hours of "Saturday Morning Confusion©" on his Internet Radio. So, instead of an Outlet Mall, he designed an Inlet Mall and he had further decreed that all the store names had to be nautical. Of course, many of the big chain stores grumbled about changing their names, except of course for one. That, of course, would be the store whose two word name was already nautical. Some of the chains got a little creative like Outback Bay Steakhouse, and King Mariner's Burgers. Little did anyone know that Bork's keen sense of smell, as of yet unsullied by the odoriferous air of our planet Terra, would discover a true gem (a pearl?) of a store.

As soon as they neared the mall, Bork started to get restless and excited when anyone asked, Bork just replied, "Chocolate, I neeeeeed Chocolate!"

Everyone had gotten out of the car and David was getting ready to take them into Davey Jones Locker, the Sporting Goods Store, to get the super duper hair remover named 'Atomic Remove-All', when Bork took off like a Rocket Ship, in the opposite direction. Everyone took off following him, calling out his name to no avail. Bork just kept on a running like a fox chasing a hound. Several long minutes later, and a whole lot of huffing and a puffing, they finally caught up with Bork as he was going into to a shop that no one had seen before. The name of the shop was 'Oceania's Gems' Chocolatier to the Galaxy and it was Chocoholic's Dream. Everything in the shop was made of chocolate, wonderfully rich and aromatic chocolate, Bork was positively drooling. As the group entered the shop, instead of the tinkle of those stupid little bells, the lush rich sound of "Chocolate Sabroso" (Tasty Chocolate) by the masterful Cuban trumpet player Chocolate Armenteros filled the air. Before the door had finished closing, they were joined by the proprietor who was dressed in Black shoes, Lime Green Breeches or Trousers, a Reddish Brown Swallow-Tail Coat and a Dark Brown Top Hat.

"How may I be of service, Gentlemen and Madame, Guillaume Aknow I am?" The proprietor spoke with a very British accent, with a hint of Paris. (France, Not Texas or Illinois)

From the mouths of babes; "Where is your Milk Chocolate like in that fountain thingy over there?"

Robbie's question caused the Proprietor, Guillaume, to nearly have a fit of apoplexy, as never in all of his many years on this earth; had someone ever asked such a profane question. As the consummate gentleman and professional that he was, Guillaume quickly recovered and very snobbishly replied.

"We sell only the Finest Real Chocolate here; it is 100% handmade in our own kitchens and is the finest in the Galaxy. We specialize in what the untutored would call 'Dark Chocolate' and nothing we sell is less than 60% Cocoa, and most is between 72% and 86% Cocoa. That other stuff is only good for fountains! Dark Chocolate is Healthy Chocolate; it is high in heart healthy flavinoids and is reputed to lower blood pressure, not to mention ... well never mind you are too young to be concerned about that."

While Guillaume was performing his indoctrination, Bork had very slowly drifted away, his nose was deftly sniffing as rapidly as a Blood Hound's. Bork's nose led him to a little alcove in the back of the shop where there was a replica of a Cocoa Bush, made of solid gold. Stacked around the base of the bush were pyramid shaped chocolates with the numbers 85/99 stamped in Gold Leaf adorning all four sides. There was also a gilt edged placard that read:

These pyramids contain a nugget of Dark Chocolate containing 99% Pure Cocoa, blended from the Galaxies finest Cocoa Beans; the nugget is then surrounded by 85% Cocoa made from the same beans. The numbers are made of 24kt Edible Gold Leaf, these pyramids are the epitome of the Choclatiers Art and weigh 10 Troy Ounces and are available singly or in Five Packs at $75.00 each.

As Bork reached for one of the pyramids, sirens started whooping and lights started flashing, causing Bork to jump backwards and nearly knock over a display case which was stacked with Ghirardelli™ Intense Dark Midnight Reverie™ 86% Cacao Bars. The display was marked with a sign that said, 'Promotional Item Only – Limited Time Only – Limited to Stock On Hand' and they were only $3.50 each. The rich aromas of the wonderfully aromatic chocolates had finally overwhelmed his senses and Bork slowly slipped into a satiated trance.

Bork never even quivered when Guillaume arrived and started to berate what he thought was a shoplifter. Guillaume's stony countenance quickly relaxed as he noticed Bork's blissful smile, as his nostrils continued to inhale the intoxicating aromatic aroma of real chocolate. Guillaume then did something totally unexpected; he reached over and picked up one of the Midnight Reverie™ Bar's and proceeded to neatly and painstakingly open it. Once that was accomplished, he then leaned over and slowly waved the bar under Bork's nostrils, allowing the essence of life to waft slowly into Bork's inner being. The magic of chocolate did its job and Bork slowly began to stir; the first indication was the increase in speed of his nostrils' twitching, which was soon followed by a beatific smile. Guillaume completed the awakening process by breaking off a corner of the bar and placing it between Bork's lips. The essence of life that is chocolate swiftly rejuvenated Bork and roused him from his trance. Guillaume then reached down and helped Bork to his feet.

"Well met, Kindred Soul, partake of this velvety goodness and live life with joie de vivre,"

Bork, not knowing what else to do, just bowed his head slightly and very politely said; "Thank You, Sir."

"Thank you, Mr. Aknow for taking such good care of our son," Kate told the proprietor, which of course caused Guillaume's right eyebrow to raise at the word 'son', but of course being a proper gentleman, he kept his comments to himself. Jeeves, James, Mr. French and Mr. Belvedere would have been very proud of Guillaume's restraint, if they were there.

After purchasing a case of the Midnight Reverie™ Bar's, which made both Bork and David happy, as David was a closet chocoholic, and Dark Chocolate Gourmand; the family headed back towards Davey Jones Locker. However, they got sidetracked by Josh's stomach again, and the wonderful Grilled Seafood aromas that were coming from King Neptune's Grill.

After a sumptuous meal which took a lot longer than normal, due to the fact that Bork had no idea what anything on the menu was and had lots of questions. Kate decided to just order Fish and Chips for Bork, and then everyone else ordered something different. Bork took forever to eat, as he tried some of everything on everyone's plate several times, trying to decide what he liked the best. Josh and Robbie kept the waiters busy, refilling their bottomless plates. Bork did gross Josh and Robbie out when he decided he was in love with the Fried Calamari that David had ordered. Unluckily for the restaurant, that was one of their 'Promotional All You Can Eat' items, six baskets later, Bork was finally full, and now looked like he was six months pregnant with Josh and Robbie not far behind.

Two hours after arriving at the Inlet Mall, they finally made it into Davey Jones Locker, to get the 'Clan' sized jar of 'Atomic Remove-All'. While they were there, they also picked up a PE Uniform for Bork, including the requisite Jock Strap, of course with comment about 'get the smallest one, etc...'. Once that was accomplished, the family decided to call it a day and headed for home.

Arriving home safely, everyone quickly unloaded the car and carried their packages inside. Once they were inside, the three boys hurried up the stairs to help Bork try on his new clothes, especially his PE Uniform and his Jock Strap. Of course, boys being boys, they hoped something would come up. David was in the den watching the news and Kate had 'Just finished cleaning up the Kitchen when the doorbell rang. Kate went to open the door and there was no one there, hearing a slight noise, she looked down at the stoop and there was a bassinet with a young child in it; there was an envelope taped to the top of the bassinet. As Kate leaned down to pick up the bassinet, she heard an "Oh Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii" from the boys' room. She picked up the Bassinet and brought it inside and set it down while she read the note enclosed in the envelope.

Kate had just gotten to the point in the note that said 'This is Doug...' when she was interrupted by Josh thundering down the stairs like a herd of elephants, carrying a Jock Strap and shouting.

"His pubes, his pubes, Bork has PURPLE PUBES!!!!!!!!!!." Josh came to a screeching halt as he saw the bassinet. And before Kate could recover from Josh's assault on her ear drums, Josh turned her world upside down, yet again.

Josh ran over to the bassinet picked up the baby and said, "Doug, you're here"; as he leaned over and kissed him.

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The End?

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Author's Notes:

First off, I apologize for this chapter taking so long, but life and a lot of personal issue kept getting in the way. To make matters worse, ACFan left me a very tough nut to crack; you see, he insisted that I keep Bork in the story. I tried several times trying to figure out how to keep a Purple Maned Alien in a story taking place in the middle of the Kansas Wheat Fields. On top of that, I couldn't terminate Craig, so I was up a creek without a paddle. To make matters even worse, I was tasked with writing this chapter in a much lighter vein than the rest of the chapters, a daunting task indeed for moi. With all that said and done, I hope you enjoyed the chapter. Thanks to Jeff, ACFan, Str8mayb and Sleeping Beauty, for their help in writing this chapter. Everything is all their fault; I am an innocent bystander; that is my story and I am sticking to it.

Deputy Dawggonnit© is Copyrighted by The Cliffhanger Police a subsidiary of CSU Productions© and is used with kind permission.

"Saturday Morning Confusion©" is Copyrighted by WTND LP.(hey that's us.)

Fort Chief Editor aka The Story Lover.

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Evil Editor's Notes:

I was certainly glad to see Craig was still hanging around, I hope Deputy Dawggonnit finishes his dozen donuts and six cups of coffee, and totally zones out so he forgets to get him down.

Personally I predict that people will patiently peer at purple pubes, probably pontificating on plenty of pithy pronouncements about particle physics, pointedly propelled and purposefully producing a plethora of poignant phrases of praise, proclaiming panic and plainly posturing, particularly in public places, Parks in particular, probably placating pipsqueaks and peanut salesmen.

I'm going to the store and get some 'Dark Chocolate', I wonder how much is left on my credit card those $75.00 pyramids sure sounded yummy. When they ration squid, Bork can have mine.

Good job working with the story, I didn't envy you this task.

Str8mayb AKA The Evil Author (Editor) & Master of Misdirection

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Sleeping Beauty's Notes: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Oh wait, I think I need to wake up for a few minutes and maybe make a comment on this chapter.

Why did the Chocolate store owner mention that his chocolate was the best in the Galaxy? Where is the headquarters of his company? Does he know GX or Xian? Where is Edward while all this is going on? Has anyone seen Lex or Delaren or Ivan? Does Gladimher like chocolate as much as Bork does? Personally, I predict that purple pubes will be perfectly proper and potentially popular. Please Pass the paperwork for proper perusal and painstakingly perfect planning.

Darryl AKA The Radio Rancher

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Where do we go from here?

Who is Doug, and why does Josh know him? Why are Bork's Purple Pubes important? Will Jason ever find his one true love? When will the pendulum stop for Craig? Are we ever going to find out the answers to these questions? If so... when?

If you want to know the answers to these and several other questions, keep an eye on the forum, cause we are hoping to take the roof off and let our Event Team take the reigns... Book one was just the beginning and as so many of it's readers have told us; you can't tell The Most Amazing Story Ever Written in only 8 chapters.

April 3, 2005 - March 16, 2008 - Way longer than any of us ever intended this event to go on. To each and every author, editor and to our volunteer random name chooser (My dog Buddy - R.I.P.) Thanks for all the fun that we've had with this project. I hope we'll see these names on future chapters... Now we need to come up with the plan to make that happen :) Watch the forum for the news as we get it.

- Jeff -